Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Seeing ourselves through other eyes

No matter what group you’re in, you don’t see what’s going on. We all get too insular, whether it’s our business, our church or our golf group. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the values of our efforts.

It was interesting to be at last month’s Jacksonville Area GA meeting. The speaker was Alan Verlander, the athletics director at Jacksonville University. He’s accomplished at his trade and you don’t have to be much of a sports fan to know that JU is back in the news. The school’s athletic department seems to have vanished for a couple of decades and the new president, Kerry Romesburg, made a great decision when he brought Alan home. He grew up here, is a member of a wonderful and civic-minded family, and has made the school’s athletic programs reappear.

He’s also a good golfer but somehow his busy life left out attending a JAGA meeting. Certainly, that’s something an AD should do but it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the number of sports-related meetings that are available.

Anyway, he was there, and it was easy to tell that he was impressed.

It was one of those meetings where everything went right. Being at Marsh Landing gets you off to a great start, but also having 70 or so people, most of them in a white JAGA director’s shirt. The introductions were appropriate for a business session and the orders of business were properly handled.

Minutes were approved, the treasurer’s report was detailed. There was a report of successful tournaments and plans of tournaments to come. There was a report of the association’s plans for the 2009 year.

The scholarship chairman spoke of the upcoming school year and said he expected JAGA to have 31 students receiving $1,500 a semester. He read a letter from a scholarship recipient, telling how honored she was to be a JAGA scholar. She sent a brochure about her school’s golf program and the chairman held it up: Princeton.

Verlander was obviously — and “obviously” may not be strong enough — impressed with what he was hearing. He was in a room full of people who were attentive to the proceedings, and who certainly understood what was taking place.

The scholarship chairman asked if there were any donations and the parade started. One club had a check for $2,150, another for $1,000, another for $175 ... several more proudly telling the story of their club, and how they raised money to help the fund. The final donation topped them all: $9,695 from Sawgrass, and the guy with the check almost apologized that it wasn’t quite as much as last year.

Through it all, Verlander watched and his expression told you what was going through his mind: who are these people and why didn’t I know about them?

When it came his time to speak, he diverted from his main topic (JU) to talk about his newfound topic (JAGA.)

“I’m embarrassed to stand here and say that I didn’t know all that you do,” he said. “You have a great story to tell. What I've heard this morning tells me that you’re doing everything you can to change the world.

“I use that phrase ‘change the world’ a lot, and people think, ‘Change the world? How can I change the world?’ Well, you can. You may not be able to change the globe, but what you’re doing is help change the world around you. You have some control of this area, and you’re doing what you can.”

He went on, speaking about a person’s “circle of influence” and the fact that one meaning of giving back is “that you learn a lot about yourself.”

It was more than the scholarship money.

“The quality of the people in this room and the work you’re doing tells me that you’re serving the community,” he said. “So many people here play golf, and you’re helping make their lives better by promoting the game the way that you’re promoting it.”

It was an eloquent speech and it turned the place around: instead of Verlander being impressed with the organization, suddenly the organization saw something about itself. An outsider had come into the box and, speaking from the heart, related the effects and the success of their mission.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all got a shot of confidence like that? Wouldn’t it help your business, or club, or church, or your neighborhood to hear a prominent person tell you about your success?

I know it would. All you had to see were the faces of the people in that room. Someone had just told them that their labor of love was a mission of importance.

We all need a pep talk like that.

— Jim Bailey is president of Bailey Publishing & Communications Inc. and publisher of the Golf News. He can be reached at jbailey@baileypub.com.

Area golf scorecard

Holes-in-one: Osprey Cove - Ed Arroyo, No. 11, 101 yards, pitching wedge.

RESULTS

AREAWIDE

eGolf Amateur Tour: At Cimarrone - Championship flight, 1. Bill Foster 77, 2. Travis Riley 84, T3. Mike Witehead, Andrew Smith 83, 5. Roger Wills 88. A flight, 1. Roger Phelps 81, 2. Matt Munksgard 89, 3. David Williams 90, 4. Nick Dewit 91, 5. Tony Mann 82. B flight, 1. Dillon Board 100, 2. Justin Mobley 101, 3. Aaron Hoops 106, 4. George Whiteman 108, 5. Pat Duggan 111. C flight, 1. T.W. Stephens 93, 2. Randolph Hill 98, 3. Daniel Johnson 99, 4. Egbert Powell 100, 5. Richard Leavitt 103. D flight, 1. Harris Pheps 104, 2. Clete Wills 104, 3. Lyn Rhode 105, 4. John Hunter 110, 5. Jason Roberts 113.

Golf Channel Amateur Tour: At St. Johns Golf and Country Club - Championship flight, 1. Will Repko 76, 2. Ryan Howell 78, 3. Ronnie Martin 79. Palmer Flight, 1. Mike Holland 81, 2.Stephen Vinson 81, 3. Russ Cooley 82. Hogan Flight, 1. Dave Kemp 80, 2. John Brendel 81, 3. Wendall Sheffield 82. Sarazen Flight, 1. Stephen Trendler 86, 2. Stephan Jones 86, 3. Stephen Strout 87. Jones Flight, 1. Marvin Shavers 86, T2. Terry Williams, Shamal Nadkarni 91. Snead Flight, 1. Michael Wood Sr. 90, 2. Vincent Damle 91, 3. Keenan Davis 94.

Men's Senior Interclub: At Osprey Cove (Stableford points) - 1. Jacksonville G&CC 277, 2. Osprey Cove 274, 3. Ponte Vedra G&CC 267, 4. Marsh Creek 264, 5. Queen's Harbour 263, 6. Sawgrass CC 261, 7. Hidden Hills 257, 8. St. Johns 255, 9. Marsh Landing 253, 10. Orange Park 252, 11. San Jose 250, 12. Deercreek 250, 13. Eagle Harbor 250, 14. Magnolia Point 249, 15. World Golf Village 249.

ASSOCIATIONS

Mill Cove women: Low net - First flight, 1. Marie Foy 65, 2. Bertha Frazier 68, 3. Margit Connelley 70. Second flight, 1. Sue Gruesser 67, 2. Miwon Park 68, 3. Mercedes Lopes 79. Third flight, 1. Wilma Ketchel 68, 2. Evelyn Fender 71, 3. Barbara Clifford 71. Fourth flight, 1. Arlene Miller 72, 2. Aviva Adair 81, 3. Betty Sanders 83.

San Jose women: Low puts - 1. Chris Hammell 34, 2,. Eleanor Coalson 35, 3. Judy DuBose 36. Low net, 1. Obringer 69, 2. Ginny Janes 74, 3. Jan Miller 76.

Champions Club men: Low net - A flight, T1. Joe Wallace, Dan Isbell 73. B flight, 1. Tom Starnes 79, 2. John Lafser 81. C flight, T1. Mike Willard, Bruce Gartley 75. D flight, 1. Al Kirby 65.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Monday: John Rowan Memorial Tournament, Queen's Harbour. Entry fee, $250, proceeds go to Justice Coalition. Call (904) 783-6312; Eighth annual daniel Charity tournament, Timuquana. Proceeds to benefit daniel, Florida's oldest non-profit children-serving agency. Call (904)296-1055, extension 1003; Jacksonville Area Golf Association Two-Man Championship, Deerwood. Call (904) 777-9292 or visit jaxareagolfassn.com.

Tuesday: Jacksonville Area Golf Association directors meeting, Marsh Landing; Jacksonville Firefighters and MDA Tournament, South Hampton. Shotgun start, 9 a.m. Call (904) 296-7434.

Wednesday: Jacksonville Women's Golf Association mixed tournament, Eagle Harbor.

Saturday: Golf Channel Amateur Tour, Eagle Harbor. Call (904) 246-0473.

March 24: Jacksonville Women's Golf Association, Amelia National; 40th annual Diocesan Youth Ministry Tournament, Timuquana. Proceeds to go youth program in the Diocese of St. Augustine. Call (904) 262-3200, extension 112.

March 28: Subaru BASCA Golf Classic, Eagle Harbor. Proceeds to benefit BASCA Inc., a charity for developmentally disabled children and adults. Call (904) 338-5443; 10th annual Foundation for Rural Education Excellence Tournament, Palatka Golf Club. Call (386) 329-3856.

March 29: egolf Amateur Tour, Sanctuary Cove. Call (904) 502-9631 or visit www.egolf.com; Fifth annual Kids Bridge Charity Tournament, St. Augustine Shores. Proceeds to benefit Kids Bridge Supervised Family Visitation Center. Call (904) 797-7112.

March 30: Jacksonville chapter, American Singles Golf Association, Magnolia Point, noon. Call (904) 576-3376 or visit www.jacksonvillesinglesgolf.com.

April 4-6: 16th annual Reinhold Clay County Classic, Eagle Harbor, Magnolia Point. Call (904) 269-5857, extension 302.

April 5: Golf Channel Amateur Tour, Ponte Vedra Golf and Country Club. Call (904) 246-0473 or visit www.golfchannel.com/amateurtour.

April 7-9: Jacksonville Area Golf Association Senior Championship, Eagle Harbor. Call (904) 777-9292 or visit jaxareagolfassn.com.

April 12: Jacksonville chapter, American Singles Golf Association, South Hampton, noon. Call (904) 576-3376 or visit www.jacksonvillesinglesgolf.com.

April 13: egolf Amateur Tour, Targe Course at Royal St. Augustine. Call (904) 502-9631 or visit www.egolf.com.

April 15: Jacksonville Area Golf Association directors meeting, Queen's Harbour.

April 19-20: Golf Channel Amateur Tour Florida Masters, Disney World. Call (904) 246-0473 or visit www.golfchannel.com/amateurtour.

April 20: Orange Park Athletic Association Tournament, Country Club of Orange Park. Call (904) 234-3434.

April 25: Country Club of Orange Park 18th annual Kingsley Classic member-guest. Call (904) 276-7664.

April 26: Golf Channel Amateur Tour, Sanctuary Cove, St. Simons Island, Ga. Call (904) 246-0473 or visit www.golfchannel.com/amateurtour; egolf Amateur Tour, Grand Club at Cypress, Palm Coast. Call (904) 502-9631 or visit www.egolf.com.

April 27: Jacksonville chapter, American Singles Golf Association, Eagle Harbor, noon. Call (904) 576-3376 or visit www.jacksonvillesinglesgolf.com.